Looking for a Couples Counselor?
Marriage and Couples Counseling in Santa Rosa and Petaluma.

If you are reading this and are considering couples counseling, chances are things are feeling pretty desperate. Couples often dread the idea of counseling. And calling a counselor is usually a last resort. Many couples initially express concern that the counselor will judge or lecture them, or even worse, take sides with their partner. I am sensitive to these concerns. So, my first goal is to maintain a balanced approach and to show couples that I do not make judgments on who is right or wrong. This creates an environment where couples feel safe enough to open up so that lasting changes can be made.

My belief is that couples who seek counseling do so because they are stuck in a negative communication cycle. Common cycles I work with involve blame, criticism, and distancing. Couples often feel like they're having the same argument again and again but can't seem to get unstuck. For some couples, the negative cycle is present in most interactions. Other couples find that they can mostly avoid conflict by steering clear of danger zones yet this avoidance creates a more distant and unsatisfying relationship.

My work with couples involves developing new communication patterns that create openness and understanding. Counseling enables couples to share their needs and their experiences of their struggles. As couples feel safer, more effective and satisfying ways of relating can be practiced in therapy and then used at home.

My practice is non-discriminatory and gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals are welcome.

Article: The Negative Communication Trap
CouplesGrowth.com
Creating Better Connections

My name is Jason Trowbridge and I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I'm going to be discussing some concepts from the Emotionally Focused Therapy model or EFT. This model for working with couples was founded in the 1980's by Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg and is grounded in attachment theory.

I am going to start out by defining the dynamic that is the key challenge in my work, the "Negative Communication Cycle." This cycle is what leads every couple to consider therapy and is behind nearly every divorce. A negative communication cycle is a rigid pattern of communication that develops between two people, from hurt, abandonment, or trauma that is never processed and resolved. Cycles become entrenched over time and are reactive and self-perpetuating. What is so tricky about cycles is that partners are not fully aware of the pattern and are thus limited in their ability to address it.

Couples become stuck in cycles to varying degrees. Some couples only enter their negative cycle when hot topics are approached while others find almost all of their communication exists within the negative cycle. While it's not always possible to cleanly categorize a cycle, several clear and identifiable patterns exist. The one that I see most often by far is the "Pursue-Withdraw" cycle. According to Emotionally Focused Therapy, the pursuer in a relationship has an anxious style of attachment. This does not mean that they are anxious all the time, but if emotional distress occurs in the relationship, they become anxious and pursue their partner for emotional comfort and connection. If the partner is available and comfort is provided (something that can be hard if the pursuer's manner of approach is prickly), no cycle develops. But if the partner is avoidant (another attachment style) and thus feels threatened by emotion, there will be a problem. Because avoidant types sense danger in emotion and try to regulate it by shutting down, getting away, or becoming logical (think Spock), the emotional pursuer ends up feeling shut out. A common meaning attached to the emotional unavailability by pursuers is indifference or a lack of love but it's actually fear. If attempts at connection continue to be met with avoidance, the connection attempts tend to grow more shrill and critical and appear to the withdrawer to be nothing more than attacks. Yet what often feels like bullying and berating to the withdrawer is actually the pursuer protesting that they can't reach the withdrawer. What lies beneath the anger is fear, sadness, loneliness and sometimes shame. As the avoiding partner perceives ever more danger in these approaches, he or she will tend to redouble avoidant strategies. And the cycle is off and running. Some distancers will occasionally launch a massive counterattack when they feel cornered while others exclusively placate and avoid. Couples can spend years or decades enduring such cycles or the relationship might end with neither couple really understanding exactly what happened.

As I mentioned previously, the cycle is not something that the partners are aware of although they often express a sense that they are caught in a "loop." They are usually only in touch with feelings of anger or sadness. Awareness of the cycle is not something that is taught by the counselor but instead becomes clear in the experience that occurs in the room. In my work the cycle is interrupted so that feelings which have been blocked by the cycle can be uncovered and shared and I am constantly slowing things down. The cycle is gradually deescalated then extinguished by making sense of the emotions, meanings, actions, and history that drive each partner's part in the cycle and space is created for vulnerable and positive emotions to emerge. Just as a negative cycle is self-reinforcing and builds over time, so does a positive one. When the new positive cycle has solidified, couples counseling is complete.

My work with couples involves developing new communication patterns that create openness and understanding. Counseling enables couples to share their needs and their experiences of their struggles. As couples feel safer, more effective and satisfying ways of relating can be practiced in therapy and then used at home.

When searching for couples counselors make sure to determine whether a counselor has specialized training in couples and marital counseling.  It is likely that a counselor who is working without specialized training can make your situation work.  Jason has advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy which has been shown in clinical tests to be the most effective mode for helping couples.

My practice is non-discriminatory and gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals are welcome.